The Observer....

  THE OBSERVER

If I told you what I was experiencing, you wouldn’t believe me. I know you can’t see me or hear me right now, but I can see you. I can hear you, observe you from this miraculous window in time. I’m not even sure where to begin, but let's be honest… since it’s highly unlikely you will believe me anyway, I guess it doesn’t really matter where I start. Perhaps by the end, you will better understand where I am coming from.  

I was somehow transported through a time portal that allows me to observe, like a timekeeper, but not… because it's only for a few vital moments or key life events. I cannot change anything from here; all I can do is observe. At first, I wasn’t sure what the purpose was. I mean if I can’t fix anything then why bother right?  But then I realized something. Not being able to fix anything gave me this incredible power to just watch, with no judgment, no ulterior motives, just see how things transpired, see how they turned out.

 By doing this I gained a whole new understanding of how each person I observed became who they are. How one small and

seemingly insignificant decision can have a ripple effect on the rest of your life, or the lives around you, as well as the lives of those you don’t yet know, or may never know. I discovered, completely by accident, that although I cannot change anything, I can write a note to only one of the people I observe. A note that if they received it in time could influence their life for the better.  

The life I am observing now is yours. I know you keep parts of it locked behind that scary wooden door. You believe you could never be loved if they knew what you went through. You believe you are hard to love… because it’s hard for you to love yourself. Because they made you believe you were hard to love. But you are not hard to love, you are hard to get to know, hard to truly get close to and that is not at all the same thing.

I am observing the moment the one person you did not expect found the key to your protective door and opened it. The poor unsuspecting soul had no idea what was ahead. No idea how hard you would fight and what you were willing to lose to protect yourself from what was behind that door. They had no idea how scared you were or how much pain you had endured and were still

in. They had no way of knowing how deep the scars are that you carry. I am observing the moment you chose to push away and sabotage the person who loved you more honestly and truly than anyone in your life had. The moment you chose to let them go and break their heart and yours, rather than to let love fully in because it felt like pain and chaos.

I observed when you made the choice that perfect and amazing were signs of impending disaster. Because the deeper this person loved you the more you hurt. No one had told you that a miracle was on the other side of that pain. The freedom from it. So instead, you have allowed one person after another to break you because you feel like you deserve it. Because of what you endured and because of what you have now made someone you love endure.

I wanted to clarify, what happened to you…your core trauma, the thing you keep locked behind that door…it was not your fault. They had no right to break you like that, to destroy you like that, to lie to you like that, to abuse you and use you like that. You were a child, a teen, a young adult. There is no excuse or justification for what was done to you.

Now that I have clarified that, I must also clarify this…. you keeping your heart closed to the sweet, kind person who just

 wanted to love you. Who wanted to walk through all the trauma with you, who wanted to protect you, who wanted all the strings attached even if they were not sure how exactly to do all that… You chose instead to break them, to hurt them so they could feel what you were feeling…that was on you. You didn’t fully understand of course, why you were doing what you were doing, but you did know what you were doing.

Maybe that relationship is still fixable and maybe it’s not. But I’m begging you, moving forward, take the time to learn what real love looks like. That it can push up the pain but at the other end of that walk through the trauma is healing. I wish I could tell you that there was another way to heal. That you could erase, move past, and forget all that junk without walking through it, unpacking it so you could leave it behind. But there isn’t. If you don’t walk back through it, it latches onto you like a leech and bleeds you out slowly.

If that soul, who didn't realize how much of you they didn’t know, still loves you and is willing to walk through all this with you, grab on and never let them go. If it is passed that point, then you grab on to yourself. And learn about love, real love, and unconditional love. Learn about pain and healing, triggers, and growth. Learn about true friendships and partnerships, and what that really means. Learn about loving yourself and forgiving yourself. Learn who you really are, what you like and don't like, want, and don't want. Learn that setbacks happen, and they only destroy you if you allow them to. Learn that you matter, and you are not hard to love, you just have a hard time loving yourself and that is not at all the same thing.

My time observing is done now and I have to go. I wish we could stay here forever and navigate together what I know will be a rough road to a better life. But as I’ve stated I am only an observer. I hope this message reaches you in time. And if not in time, at the right time. Your heart will heal someday more than you ever thought possible. But I would love for it to heal sooner rather than later.

Everything you do creates ripples remember that. Don’t be a ripple of pain because of the pain you’ve had to endure. Don't be a ripple of payback to a person who didn't inflict damage, or to a child because they remind you of yourself. Be a ripple that brings healing and hope. Be the person you needed but didn’t have. You can heal and you are not hard to love.

Most importantly, you are not alone. I am proud of all that you have done so far and all that you have yet to do. And I’m sure though you will not be able to see or hear me,

I will see you in time.

 The observer

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